


Mami Dearest

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Coming Out, Drama, Family, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5276456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I didn’t raise you to be disrespectful.” Lucia replied.  “I didn’t raise you to live in secret like a deviant.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mami Dearest

“That’s probably the food.” Rafael said as he heard Trevor’s bare feet walk across the hardwood floor. “I told the doorman to just send it up.”

“You didn’t get pizza, did you?” Trevor asked. “I wasn’t in the mood for pizza but I wasn’t sure if that really came across when you asked me about it.”

“Open the door and find out.”

“If the delivery boy’s cute, I'm fucking him.”

“You're such a choir boy…it’s never going to happen.”

Trevor laughed, opening the door and just staring at the person on the other side. She was staring at him as well. For a moment nothing happened, the staring continued.

“May I help you?”

“My son used to live here.” She said. “I'm looking for Rafael Barba.”

“Mami.” Rafael came out of the kitchen with wide green eyes. He almost fainted when he saw that all Trevor was wearing was a purple towel and carrying his wallet. Really? Who answered the door in a towel? This wasn’t a porn film. Why was any of this happening right now?

“So you haven’t moved.” Lucia Barba walked into the condo, uninvited and unimpeded. “You’ve been avoiding my calls for over a week.”

“I have not been avoiding your calls. We talked two weeks ago. I've been busy…I just wrapped up a long court case.”

“Are you celebrating with him?” she looked Trevor up and down.

“Now would probably be a bad time to introduce myself, wouldn’t it?” Trevor asked.

“Trevor, this is my mother Lucia Barba.” Rafael said through clenched teeth.

“It’s so nice to meet you ma'am.” Trevor extended his hand. “I wish to God I was wearing pants.”

“A man with a body like yours is OK without pants.” Lucia said.

“Mami! Trevor, get dressed. Leave your wallet, I’ll pay for the food when it comes.”

Trevor nodded and walked out of the room. At least in the direction he was walking he was less likely to step on a landmine. He didn’t know much about Rafael’s family except that they were Cuban and while he never said they were estranged, things were far from the Cleavers. Rafael wasn’t out to his family and he said they would never understand. He would probably be disowned. Trevor wasn’t sure if he should dress and then sit in the bedroom as if he was on punishment or go out there and save Rafael.

“I didn’t know you had a roommate.’ Lucia said.

“Trevor is a friend of mine. What are you doing here, mami? You could’ve called.”

“I have called! Jesus Rafael, what if someone had died?”

“Is abuelita alright?”

His grandmother had recently faced some heart problems. His grandfather died a year and a half ago and his mother and Aunt finally got her to sell her house and move into a smaller apartment. She missed her husband, they had been together since she was 15 years old. The thought that something may have happened to her made Rafael promise to himself that he would least call his mother back the second time she called from now on. Picking up the first go round was never a good idea.

“Your abuelita is fine, everyone is fine. I want to know how you are.”

“You came all the way from the South Bronx to ask me how I am?” he asked.

“I didn’t raise you to be disrespectful.” Lucia replied. “I didn’t raise you to live in secret like a deviant.”

“Mami…”

“He went into your bedroom, Rafael.”

“I am not a deviant.” He put his hand on his chest. 

He wasn’t wearing that many clothes himself, boxer shorts and a Harvard tee shirt. This afternoon was going to be all about seafood and Anthony Hopkins films. He had finally convinced Trevor to watch _The Remains of the Day_ with him. This was a very big deal. His mother was ruining everything. Rafael took a deep breath.

“Are you sleeping with him?” Lucia asked.

“Yes.”

“¡Dios mío!” Lucia did the sign of the cross. “¡Dios mío! I am so glad your Papi isn't alive to see this. Pecaminosidad! (1)”

There was another knock on the door and Rafael walked around his mother to answer it. He couldn’t even deal with it right now, so he gave the guy $40, told him to keep the change, took the bag, and closed the door. Walking into the kitchen with their meal, Lucia followed.

“How long have you been lying with other men?” she asked.

“My sex life is none of your business, mom. I love you but it’s not.”

“Are you a homosexual? Is this why you never brought a good girl home? Is this why Yelena chose Alex over you?”

“Mami, Yelena didn’t…OK, no, I'm not doing this right now. You bring up something from the 11th grade that didn’t even happen and you think we’re going to do this right now. Mami I love you but you have to leave.”

“Talk to me.” Lucia said.

“Why? So you can call me a deviant; so you can spout bible quotes and sprinkle holy water on me to save my soul? I don’t have the strength.”

“You are my son and I will always love you. I cannot condone this…this way.” She shook her head. “But I will always love you.”

“You can't love me with conditions attached.” Rafael said. “You either do or you don’t.”

“Don’t you tell me I don’t love you!” Lucia raised both her voice and her hand. She didn’t strike him, hadn’t hit Rafael since he was nine and accidentally set fire to the Christmas tree. And she only beat him then because she knew the beating doled out by his father would’ve been 10 times worse. 

It was a mutual, though sad, understanding between them and Rafael never held it against her. “I was in labor for 3 days with you. I split open like a cantaloupe sitting too long in the sun. I could’ve died but I didn’t let them cut my baby from my womb. I was going to have you the way God intended.”

“That’s not selfless, Mami…that’s a kamikaze mission.”

“We both made it out alive.” Lucia said.

“Sometimes I think it was just barely.”

“Trevor, come out here please.”

Trevor slowly walked back into the foyer and kitchen area. The condo wasn’t small but he'd heard the entire argument. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to get involved. He also knew one never defied an angry mother. This was probably doubly so for angry Cuban mothers.

“How long have you known my son?” Lucia asked.

“Seven months, ma'am.”

“Are you sleeping with him? Don’t look at him, look at me.”

Trevor sighed and looked at Lucia. Rafael just rolled his eyes, nodded, and knew that neither one of them were getting out of this.

“Yes ma'am.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes ma'am.” Trevor nodded again.

“What do you do for a living?” she asked.

“I'm a lawyer.”

“And where is your family from?”

“Mami, this is so unnecessary.” Rafael put his hands on his hips.

“Don’t tell me what's unnecessary. You don’t tell me things then I will have to find them out myself. Shush, you had your chance.”

“You cannot interrogate Trevor.”

“My family is from Providence, Rhode Island.” Trevor replied. “My mother teaches at Brown University and my father is director of The Hamilton School.”

“Do they know about my Rafael?”

“Yes.”

“Do you see?” Lucia looked at her son. “He doesn’t keep secrets from his family. I'm sure he doesn’t avoid his mother’s phone calls.”

“Don’t answer that.” Rafael pointed at him. He sighed, putting his hands on his mother’s shoulders. “Mami, I promise we will talk soon but it cannot be today. I just wrapped up a three week case that should’ve been three days. There are tons more on my desk and I actually have a three day weekend that I'm taking full advantage of. I love you very much but I'm going to ask you to leave.”

“Walk with me.” Lucia took hold of his wrist as she walked over to the door. She was nearly dragging him. “I will let you have your precious three day weekend. But if I don’t hear from you on Tuesday I'm coming back and I'm not going to be nice about it.”

“This was nice?”

This time Lucia did pop him, Rafael pulled his lip in because it hurt. He hadn’t even seen it coming…his reflexes used to be much better than that. He put his hand on the doorknob. There was no way he was going to be able to throw her out. 

Lucia had to think she wanted to go or had least won the argument for the time being. Rafael wasn’t sure exactly how to pull that off. It had been some time since she got the drop on him. She'd probably been stalking him for days before making the move.

“I love you.” She kissed his cheek, slapping it more gently than she'd popped his lip. “I'm going to church to pray for you. I'm taking your aunt and grandmother with me.”

“Please don’t tell abuelita…” Rafael stopped himself. He felt foolish begging his mother for such a thing, firstly. Secondly, he knew Lucia was going to tell someone because she could keep very few things to herself. Thirdly, he wasn’t ashamed. 

He was many things but ashamed was not one of them. How he lived and who he loved had never hurt anyone. He was almost 40 years old and the cat was out of the bag. The only wrath he truly worried about was dead in the ground. “Nevermind.”

“Trevor,” she called across the room. “It was nice to meet you. It should’ve been under better circumstances though I can't fault you entirely for that.”

“Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Barba.” He held up his hand to wave.

“Tuesday, Rafael.” She pointed at her son.

“Yes ma'am.” He nodded. “How are you getting home? Do you need cab fare?”

“A cab to The Bronx, are you crazy? That’s a waste of money when I can take the train.”

“Mami please, take a cab. It’s dangerous out here.”

“You worry too much. You’ve been living in this rich man’s condominium for too long.”

“I worry too much? Where do you think I got it from? It didn’t fall out of the sky and land on my shoulders, I assure you.”

“I’ll talk to you in a few days.”

Lucia walked out as if she had been invited there in the first place. Rafael closed and locked the door. He even put the night latch on. Then he walked into the kitchen, pulled a tumbler from the cabinet, and filled it halfway with Jameson’s. He took a deep breath, a healthy gulp, and then another deep breath.

“That was my mother. I have no idea how she got past the doorman.”

“With her wit and motherly charm of course. Is your lip OK?”

“Yeah.” Rafael nodded. “It was a love tap.”

“Do you want a hug?”

“God yes.”

Trevor walked across the room and put his arms around him. Rafael held on for dear life, not wanting to cry. Part of him was numb and another part of him was relieved. It was difficult to be overcome with emotions and emotionless at the same time. His mother never finding out about his sexuality had been a pipe dream. 

She didn’t even know about it now. Lucia was sure he was a homosexual but Rafael liked women too. Shouting that from the rooftops would’ve done nothing but make her angry he was sure. She would’ve thought he was lying. She probably didn’t even know what a bisexual was. He may as well be an albino alligator.

“I'm sorry about the interrogation.” He mumbled into Trevor’s tee shirt. Rafael liked it better when he was in the towel. “I'm so sorry.”

“I think she liked me. All mothers like me.” Trevor stroked Rafael’s hair.

“She's going to tell my aunt…she’s going to tell my abuelita.”

“You're not ashamed of who you are, Rafi.” He kissed the top of his head. “You always knew it was going to be difficult to come out to family. This wasn’t the best way for it to happen. But it’s happened. We can only go forward.”

“I want to drink a lot more.”

“Not a good idea.” Trevor shook his head. “We have some food, we have movies, and it’s going to rain all day tomorrow so we can stay in bed. We've been promising each other this weekend since Labor Day. I'm not going to let you wiggle out of it that easily.”

“Let's just go to your place.” Rafael moved out of his arms and finished the whiskey. He hoped Trevor didn’t hear it hit the bottom of his stomach. He really needed to eat something. “I can pack a bag and we can just hide out there. I don’t trust my mother to give me until Tuesday. If she can't find me then she’ll have no choice.”

Trevor liked that plan. He and Rafael had both been busy with work. And Trevor’s dad had gall bladder surgery so he went to Rhode Island for almost a week during September to visit with him while he recovered. This relationship was good, nearly stable, and he didn’t want the one weekend they actually had to themselves to be overshadowed by anything. 

Maybe it was selfish, as Rafael had every right to be upset over what just happened. Trevor wanted to do everything in his power to make him feel better. It just always seemed like something in Rafael’s life came hurling at them at 150 miles per hour. He tried, Trevor really tried, not to get too involved with him even after the initial attraction. 

Rafael was gorgeous, brilliant, and full of spirit but there were plenty of red flags as well. Nothing dangerous, unless it was a broken heart. Seven months in and that hadn’t happened yet. Trevor had no intention of not staying on his toes though. He didn’t need anything hurling at him faster than he could catch it.

“Hey, Trevor.”

“Hmm?” he was already looking for a better bag to put their takeout in. Butter had seeped through the paper and was spreading across the counter. Even though he could imagine his arteries clogging, Trevor planned to enjoy every bite of this meal.

“My mother asked you if you loved me and you said yes.” Rafael said.

“We don’t need to make a big deal about it.”

“We don’t?”

“I know that love may not be your thing at the moment and I get that, Rafi. We’re good where we are. Things are good and I want them to stay good. I didn’t say it to elicit a response; I said it because it was true.”

“I'm confused.”

“Yeah, a lot of confusing things have happened in the past 25 minutes or so. Go and pack your bag.”

Rafael wanted to say something else but he didn’t. They could talk about it later, or he could not bring it up again. If Trevor wanted to tell him then he would. Or he wouldn’t because Rafael was clearly in the longest ‘let's pretend this is still casual though it’s clearly not casual’ relationship of his life. 

Trevor didn’t want to get hurt. He was dating a bisexual man barely out of the closet. Rafael tried to make reason about why he lived how he did but he couldn’t always do that. Being straight would’ve been easy. Being homosexual, while not exactly easy would’ve been possible. 

But he had such difficulty straddling both worlds. Rafael didn’t even know if that’s how you were supposed to do it. He was attracted to men and women and though it had a name in his head, he hardly knew how to implement it in his life. Would he tell everyone he dated or just date as he saw fit? Would he abstain from one and just live the life of another? 

Was he gay now because he was in a relationship with Trevor as opposed to being straight while dating Stephanie in college? Trevor was bisexual too and he never seemed to have these inner struggles. But it wasn’t just his sexuality that Rafael struggled with. That was just the cherry on top of his multi-layered struggle cake with butter cream frosting.

“Hey Trevor.” He called from the bedroom.

“I'm gonna pick up the towel Rafi, I swear…other things were happening at the moment.”

“It’s not about the towel.”

“What's up?”

“I love you too. I hope you know that.”

“I do, silly.” Trevor whispered to himself as he put the cap back on the whiskey and returned it to its place on the counter. He absolutely knew; that’s what made this one of the easiest and hardest things he'd ever been a part of.

***

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. sinfulness!


End file.
